As it is the 3rd anniversary of my brain surgery I thought I would talk about it a bit. I’ve talked a lot about what happened but not how I felt because on the whole, that’s just not what I’ve done.
So initially I wasn’t too worried by the first symptoms of my arm going weak and me not being able to play guitar (I really should have been). It was when I got the Drs and they started to think I had suffered a stroke. A stroke a 26 this can’t be right, it was at that point when my symptoms started to worsen, I began to vomit and I struggled to concentrate enough to communicate properly, I couldn’t work my phone to call people to tell them what was going on. A health care assistant at the Drs ended up explaining what had happened and that I was being taken in an ambulance to Scunthorpe Hospital. At this point I was scared but didn’t really think my life was in any danger, I walked myself to the ambulance and talked with the ambulance crew on the way to the hospital (as best I could I was struggling).
I was in Scunthorpe A&E for a while and they performed a scan which found 2 brain abscesses and I was transferred to Hull Royal Infirmary. My memory is a little fussy but at some point between Scunthorpe and Hull, I gave up and had resigned myself to dying. One of the few things I do remember clearly prior to surgery is being asked to sign the consent form and not wanting to. I remember the surgeon explaining to me that I would die without surgery and even with it my odds weren’t good. There was a high probability of long term problems afterwards, none of which surprised me and I remember thinking, NO FUCK THAT!. I don’t to live being unable to look after myself or be independent, I don’t want this surgery but with everyone present and the high probability I would die anyway. Instead of upsetting everyone I signed it thinking I’d die and nobody would need to know.
Since then there have been times when I’ve been low and getting wound up with my on going problems, like my migraines that I’ve wished I hadn’t signed it but in truth, that was a time when my anxiety and not wanting to upset others has actually worked out well for me.